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Thread: Wee script for some feedback!!

  1. #1
    Inactive Member DaveFromIreland's Avatar
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    Lightbulb

    Here's a little first draft I'd like to get a bit of feedback on. It's written in a Northern Irish accent so excuse the spelling etc! I'm trying to think of some ways to make it more interesting, maybe with some funky cutaways eg to big barrels labelled 'Chemical X' or something.... Anyway, would appreciate it if ya could post your thoughts!
    Cheers!
    (It's set in my local movie theatre)

    INT. BANGOR MULTIPLEX - SHOP - DAY

    Two shop assistants, SMURF and JOHN, are standing in the shop. Smurf is cleaning the work top and John is counting the cups.

    SMURF
    This is piss boring.

    JOHN
    Got that right.

    SMURF
    You workin' tamorra?

    JOHN
    Aye. You?

    SMURF
    Aye ... Piss boring.

    John goes over to the back of the shop to put some cups away.

    SMURF
    Ye wouldn't stick us a bit o' popcorn in a wee cup
    would ye?

    JOHN
    Sweet or salted, Sir?

    SMURF
    Sweet ... Salted tastes like vomit.

    JOHN
    Your ma tastes like vomit.

    SMURF
    I had your ma.

    JOHN
    Shut up.

    John brings Smurf his popcorn in a small cup.

    JOHN
    Y'know you shouldn't be eatin' that shite.

    Smurf stops mid-munch and looks up at John.

    SMURF
    Why nat?

    JOHN
    It's full of stuff.

    Pause for a beat.

    SMURF
    You gonna tell me what stuff??

    JOHN
    Y'know ... secret government stuff.

    SMURF
    Secret government arse. I'll fill your face up wi' my fist.

    JOHN
    Fine ... If you don't wanna hear it ...

    Silence for a moment. Smurf is far too curious, though he doesn't want John to know that. He has stopped eating the popcorn.

    SMURF
    Ach, for bollock sake, give us it then.

    John stops what he's doing and explains his secret to Smurf.

    JOHN
    Well ... I've heard that the government has been using secret
    ingredients involved in popcorn making, to pacify the population for years.

    SMURF
    (trying not to sound unintelligent)
    Pacify? ... Remind me what that is again?

    JOHN
    You're a dough-head.

    SMURF
    Just fuckin' tell me!

    JOHN
    It means, 'to cause to be more favorably inclined, thereby
    creating in the subject an unquestioning nature.'

    SMURF
    Stop takin' the piss.

    JOHN
    Right. It means they put stuff into the salt an' sugar we put in
    the popcorn, that makes us all calm and easygoing, so we won't
    question anything they want te do to us.

    SMURF
    (pointing outside)
    Nah, that's ballicks. Bernard was in last night an' bought popcorn, and he knocked someone out after.

    Smurf starts eating the popcorn again.

    JOHN
    Was that not 'cus he was eyein' up his bird?

    SMURF
    So what? You said it makes ye calm.

    JOHN
    Aye, well. Different circumstances isn't it?

    Pause.

    SMURF
    Wot d'ye mean?

    JOHN
    Well, Tony Blair isn't eyein' up Bernard's bird, is he?

    SMURF
    No. Probably knows he'd hit him a smack.

    JOHN
    Aye, well. Not everyone's like Bernard.

    SMURF
    Well, I am. So I'll just keep eatin' it, ta very much.

    JOHN
    How are you like Bernard?

    SMURF
    Y'know ... hard an' that.

    JOHN
    You're not hard! You're a wee wuss.

    SMURF
    Didn't I tell ye I'd give ye a smack?!

    JOHN
    Ah, yer all talk.

    SMURF
    I dunno who you think you are ... but yer not.

    JOHN
    I'm just tellin' ye wot I've heard.

    Pause.

    JOHN
    In fact, wait til ye hear this. Last year, there was 3 cases of
    death by popcorn in the UK.

    SMURF
    That's ballicks, mate. Woulda been on the news.

    JOHN
    Not if the government hadn't made the news companies keep quiet. Think about it.

    Smurf stops eating the popcorn again. He looks at it cautiously.

    SMURF
    (looking at the popcorn)
    Are you bein' serious?

    JOHN
    Nah, I'm just havin ye on.

    Smurf raises his hand like he's going to slap John. Then he goes back to eating his popcorn.

    FADE TO BLACK.

  2. #2
    Inactive Member DaveFromIreland's Avatar
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    Post

    actually, ignore the above..... here's an ammended version. 2nd draft i guess.


    INT. BANGOR MULTIPLEX - SHOP - DAY

    Two shop assistants, SMURF and JOHN, are standing in the shop. Smurf is cleaning the work top and John is counting the cups.

    SMURF
    Tell ye what... I'm bored stiff.

    JOHN
    Same here.

    SMURF
    You workin' tamorra?

    JOHN
    Aye. You?

    SMURF
    Aye, I asked for it off, but. See when Ronan gets upstairs, I'll buckin' give him some.

    JOHN
    All talk, mate.

    SMURF
    You wait an' see. I'll not take this any more —

    Ronan walks upstairs and John notices him.

    JOHN
    Alright?

    RONAN
    Alright, John... Alright Smurf.

    SMURF
    Alright, Ronan. How ya keepin'?

    John sniggers at Smurf.

    SMURF
    Shut up. I'll tell him later!

    John goes over to the back of the shop to put some cups away.
    (Various cutaways of actions - cups being put in place, worktop being scrubbed)

    SMURF
    Ye wouldn't stick us a bit o' popcorn in a wee cup would ye?

    JOHN
    Sweet or salted?

    SMURF
    Sweet ... Salted's disgustin'.

    John brings Smurf his popcorn in a small cup.

    JOHN
    Y'know you shouldn't be eatin' that shite.

    Smurf stops mid-munch and looks up at John.

    SMURF
    Why nat?

    JOHN
    It's full of... stuff.

    Pause for a beat.

    SMURF
    You gonna tell me what stuff??

    JOHN
    Y'know ... secret government stuff.

    (Cutaway to B+W shot of barrels of stuff, labelled CHEMICAL X)

    SMURF
    Secret government arse. I'll slap yer face.

    JOHN
    Fine ... If you don't wanna hear it ...

    Silence for a moment. Smurf is far too curious, though he doesn't want John to know that. He has stopped eating the popcorn.

    SMURF
    Ach, for bollock sake, give us it then.

    John stops what he's doing and explains his secret to Smurf.

    JOHN
    Well ... I've heard that the government has been using secret ingredients involved in popcorn making, to control the population for years. They're basically using popcorn to turns us all into mindless zombies, by pacifying us.

    (While John speaks, we see shots of zombies in the cinema, munching popcorn, drooling etc.)

    SMURF
    (trying not to sound unintelligent)
    Pacify? Right ... Isn't that when — — ?

    He's waiting for John to fill in the blank. John just looks at him.

    JOHN
    You're a dough-head.

    SMURF
    Just tell me!

    JOHN
    It means....

    A customer approaches the shop.
    Smurf is still waiting for the definition.

    CUSTOMER
    Give us a medium diet cola and a bag of Fruitos.

    JOHN
    No popcorn with your drink?

    (Western style showdown shots in B+W/Sepia, between customer and John. Smurf looking between popcorn and customer, distraught.)
    Back to reality.

    CUSTOMER
    Nah.

    The customer gives John his money and leaves.

    SMURF
    Well then, smartarse?

    JOHN
    It's quite simple. To pacify means 'to cause to be more favorably inclined, thereby creating in the subject an unquestioning nature.'

    SMURF
    Stop takin' the piss.

    JOHN
    Right. It means they put stuff into the salt an' sugar we put in the popcorn, that makes us calm and easygoing, so that we won't question anything they do.

    SMURF
    (pointing outside)
    Nah, that's ballicks. Bernard was in last night an' bought popcorn... and he knocked someone out after.

    (Cutaway to B+W shot of BERNARD, punching someone)

    Smurf starts eating the popcorn again.

    JOHN
    Was that not 'cus he was eyein' up his bird?

    SMURF
    So what? You said it makes ye calm.

    JOHN
    Aye, well. Different circumstances isn't it?

    Pause.

    SMURF
    Wot d'ye mean?

    JOHN
    Well. Not everyone's like Bernard.

    SMURF
    Well, I am. So I'll just keep eatin' it, ta very much.

    JOHN
    How are you like Bernard?

    SMURF
    (quietly defensive)
    Y'know ... hard an' that.

    JOHN
    You're not hard! You're a wee wuss!

    SMURF
    Didn't I tell ye I'd give ye a smack?!

    JOHN
    Ah, yer all talk.

    SMURF
    I dunno who you think you are ... but yer not.

    JOHN
    I'm just tellin' ye wot I've heard.

    Pause.

    JOHN
    In fact, I read... that last year, there was 13 cases of death by popcorn in Northern Ireland alone.

    SMURF
    That's ballicks, mate. Woulda been on the news.

    JOHN
    Not if the government had made the news companies keep quiet. Think about it.

    Smurf thinks.
    (Cutaway to a guy in a suit wrapping tape around the mouth of a newsreader)
    Smurf stops eating the popcorn again. He looks at it cautiously.

    SMURF
    (looking at the popcorn)
    Are you bein' serious?

    Pause.

    JOHN
    Nah, I'm just havin ye on.

    Smurf raises his hand like he's going to slap John. Then he goes back to eating his popcorn.

    FADE TO BLACK.

  3. #3
    Inactive Member peter_g's Avatar
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    I thought it was shit.

  4. #4
    Inactive Member jb_617's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Peter_G:
    I thought it was shit.
    <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">And people complain that we never offer constructive critique around here.

    I thought it was quite good. But then what do I know?

    ----------------------

    Ugh, my head hurts. I <u>hate</u> guinness

    <font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ March 18, 2005 06:42 AM: Message edited by: jb. ]</font>

  5. #5
    Senior Hostboard Member miker's Avatar
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    Any chance of a synopsis or pitch in 25 words or less?

  6. #6
    Inactive Member DaveFromIreland's Avatar
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    It's "Clerks" meets "Conspiracy Theory" (rahahhaa i came up with that lol). wacky, surreal comedy about 2 guys working in a movie theatre.

    ...that tickle your tastebuds?

  7. #7
    Inactive Member emjen's Avatar
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    dialogue is ok, but if that's your opening i'd suggest you make something else. They've probably been doing that work for a while now, and them saying the work is boring rather than actually showing the audience how they feel about the work, each other, their different personas, all in one grande introductionary scene, is bad. Make a better introduction.

  8. #8
    Inactive Member DaveFromIreland's Avatar
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    Cool

    Good point, pal. Cheers very much. I'll give that a good bit of thought. Do you think it's got enough energy and whatnot to keep you entertained for 6/7 minutes?

  9. #9
    Inactive Member bs9's Avatar
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    Meh, you could make it a bit better. But, very funny so far.

    PS- I assume that this will be a short movie(quick flik), unless you do some dramatic stuff with the camera.

  10. #10
    Inactive Member Mr DJD's Avatar
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    I thought it was funny. keep working on it .

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